What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 20:32
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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She was in good health!
I have no regrets .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
How do I identify fake friends in life?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Do most men prefer curvy women or skinny women?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was seconnd youngest,
Why did i forgive my father ?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I said to her
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was scared of men, in general
She wouldn,t have been !
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Would this be the day?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
All the time i was locked up.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I write beautiful poetry .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But it wasn’t much.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He resisted the act ,that day.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But, we were locked up after school.
And i lived it daily.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
What did i know ?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We all went to grammer schools
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Comes on , in middle age.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She loved him until the end.
Ive learnt so much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One cannot live in the past .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It was going to be , some day.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My family never makes their pension either.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
When she asked me how she looked .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I don,t even have a pension.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He knew the spot.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I think the readers, may guess!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My life is so biszare .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We were not on the streets..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I waited trembling.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She found it foreign!.
This is soul school!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was very sick at this time too.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was 9 years of age.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Im still living with it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She married twice! .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Who then, do I blame.?
So whats the point in blame.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Put me off passion for life!!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I will be 64.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i do to all so called friends.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.